That VENOM Movie Gets A New Trailer. Proves Existence.

The Proof Of Life we all dreaded. A bad concept gets a worse trailer.

Sigh.

Well, I have some bad news, folks. They weren’t kidding. Some @$$hole made a Venom movie.

For whatever reason, Avi Arad and millions(?) of people who are probably fans of Slipknot agree that the classic Spider-Man villain Venom is in need of some deeper cinematic exploration. Regardless of the fact that this is a confounding concept, they appear to have gotten their way.

Starring Tom Hardy and Michelle Williams, Sony’s Venom appears to be the story of a man who is sick or something, and a woman who is involved in the plot. Also, there are doctors. It remains to be seen if these doctors are of the EeeEevil variety, but sources say chances are decent. Tom Hardy, local chapter president of the Ministry of Silly Talks, stars as Sick Man, who appears to have emotional problems of the ‘bad writing’ variety. Sources close to the production have hinted that Sick Man may indeed have what some have referred to as “demons”. This reporter finds it too early to judge whether this may or may not play into his (assumed) propensity to dip himself in goo and (confirmed) cause auto accidents at night, and occasionally jump in lakes for dramatic purposes. However, it has been widely confirmed that, so far at least, his adventures seem to be edited together at random. Rumors persist that all of this, will at some point involve the comic book ‘character’, Venom, created by ‘writer’ Todd McFarlane.

To be honest, I can’t tell what the hell this is supposed to be selling. Sony’s recent success allying themselves with Marvel Studios on Spider-Man: Homecoming appears to have emboldened rogue Avi Arad elements into dramatic action, seizing the opportunity to foist this dubiously connected sidequel on an unsuspecting movie-going audience. All that I can say for sure is it takes some kind of bad luck to get dunked on by Deadpool before your trailer even comes out.

Come on

That’s hilarious

Venom arrives October 5, giving you ample time to get your affairs in order, and then do literally anything else with your time. I plan to drink!

Watch it, I guess.

  • ryanrochnroll

    I shamelessly stole Ministry of Silly Talks from Tanner Volz.

    • jeves23

      Who could blame you? It’s very good.

    • My favorite part is the ridiculously pregnant pause between “our own” and “demons” – several babies were born during that moment

      • Several babies are born every time Tom Hardy speaks.

  • jeves23

    Well, after watching it again, fullscreen and with the volume up it’s kinda… fine? Like, it’s not exciting, and it doesn’t make me curious about the film, or who Venom is, or what demons he has… but it doesn’t actively turn me off, either.
    I like Tom Hardy, and I’m kind of curious to see how they will pull this off, but for now I will probably mostly forget this exists.

  • Tiny preview title card thingies on trailers are stupid

    • Andrew Clark

      They are so absolutely pointless and terrible.

    • I really don’t get those at all. Don’t try to sell me on watching the trailer. I’m already watching the fucking thing.

      • Andrew Clark

        I am certain they are made to capitalize on the youngin’s and the culture of endlessly scrolling and needing to be captivated within one second in order to stick around but you know what? Fuck ’em.

        • Michael

          It’s explicitly for auto-play embedded trailers as ads. Not for people who seek out the youtube link.

          • Andrew Clark

            For sure, although I see it before youtube trailers, as well.

          • Michael

            Right, though as mentioned elsewhere that’s for the purpose of the “skip this ad” feature in YouTube ads. They have to get you in 3-5 second, and sometimes even less if you can immediately click through. So they need images in the first 0.5-1.0 seconds that might make you want to keep watching.

          • Andrew Clark

            I totally get why they do them! I just hate them, Michael. I HATE THEM! 🙁

  • Andrew Clark

    Tom Hardy is our most interesting and talented leading man today, so I’m here for whatever he does, but this sure seems like it’s going to fall strongly in the “whatever” category if you know what I mean.

  • Jason Lasica

    Despite myself and all warnings, I’ll see it only because it’s got m’boy, Tom Hardy in it. Maybe it’ll be okay or whatever.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0844fc4015f70d65f0ea2ca68622728a33ce6d1e51a26b049e2c264013c6c964.jpg

  • Alfredo Marquez Flores

    Ehh… I wanted to see the venom. This had my curiosity and lost it.

  • I think my favorite bit is when he says, “We all have our own problems,” and that’s illustrated by an over the top multi-vehicle pileup.

    “Yeeeeah, I don’t think your kind of problems are very universal.”

  • Grr_Im_a_Tiger

    How are casual moviegoers supposed to know this is a Venom movie?

  • James

    This is exactly what would happen if the guys behind IRON FIST got a major superhero blockbuster.

  • Jamikel

    That header image. Bravo, Ryan. Bra-fucking-vo.