Anthony Hopkins, why on Earth are you in this?

Transformers: The Last Knight is the latest installment in Michael Bay’s franchise about sociopathic robots who like to kill things. It should not be confused with Transformers: About Last Night, which is a romantic dramedy about robots having one-night stands. With that clarification out of the way, I must confess that I have a morbid fascination with these films. They are godawful to be sure, but they are godawful in extremely weird ways. What should have been candy-colored, cartoony adventure movies in the Stephen Sommers vein are instead consistently brutal, amoral and misanthropic. The last installment had the ostensible hero “liberate” some robot dinosaurs, then threaten to kill them if they didn’t help him fight the supposed bad guys. Fun!

I’m so baffled by these movies that I’ve seen every single one in theaters, if nothing else to discover what new slice of Michael Bay’s twisted psyche will be revealed this time around. The Last Knight will be no exception, as I’ll be reviewing it for you guys. I’ll also be rewatching the rest of the movies for a writeup of the franchise. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I make.

Here’s the latest trailer. It looks like a Transformers movie.

Explosions! Robots! Dumb humor! More explosions! Okay, so there are some elements new to the franchise, most of which we’ve seen in previous trailers. There’s some secret history stuff going on involving the Transformers and the Knights of the Round Table. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime has gone all Dominic Toretto and turned against family humanity.1 Newly highlighted is some sort of steampunk C-3PO who collects weirdly large bowling equipment, and he actually has me intrigued. What does he turn into? A pennyfarthing perhaps? I hope it’s a pennyfarthing.

Transformers: The Last Knight will be in theaters on June 21st and, because I am a glutton for punishment, so will I.

  1. “This isn’t you, Prime!” Dude. Have you even seen the previous movies? This is the logical progression of his character.