The JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM Trailer is Devoid of Feathers and is Therefore Worthless

I love dinosaurs with a passion. I’m one of those people who got into dinosaurs as a kid and never grew out of it. Wonderful and fascinating creatures, those guys were. I read the novel Jurassic Park maybe ten times before the movie came out. My battered paperback copy had “Soon to be a Major Motion Picture” in a big star on the cover, and in my little mind I thought there was a chance that they hadn’t picked anyone to make it yet, so there was a chance that I could. Luckily, pre-teen me didn’t get that chance, as my version would have been an awful monstrosity, slavishly faithful to the extremely technology obsessed and gory book. We got Spielberg instead, and he made one of the greatest pieces of popcorn cinema in history.

Basically, it takes a lot for me to dislike a movie that features dinosaurs. Prehysteria? Cool! Carnosaur? I’m on board. Tammy and the T-rex? Erm. Well. Anyway. Somehow, Jurassic World managed to make me actively dislike a dino-centric movie. It was sexist, thematically vapid, featured no awesome practical creature effects and, worst of all, it was boring as hell. It was also really regressive in its depiction of dinosaurs, which the original film was very much not. What does a dude have to do to get some feathers around here?

So, I am not particularly enthused about the prospect of Jurassic World: Kingdom Hearts, even though Colin Trevorrow, director of the already infamous The Book of Henry, has been swapped out for J. A. Bayona. But here’s our trailer. Let’s take a look.

Well, if you were worried that Chris Pratt1 was not going to be a total turdwaffle to Bryce Dallas Howard, consider your fears unjustified. That obnoxious aspect of Jurassic World seems fully intact.

Let’s say something nice. It features one of my favorite dinosaurs, Baryonyx, which legitimately makes me happy. Oh, and Jeff Goldblum is back! That’s pretty cool.

Otherwise this trailer leaves me as cold as a trailer with a ton of dinosaurs in it can leave me. It’s visually drab, the action looks uninspired2 and, despite talk about Jurassic World: Kingdom of the Spiders featuring more than the single practical puppet in the first Jurassic World, all the dinosaurs look pretty CG in an obvious way. I’m also not in love with a premise that involves a lot of dinosaurs dying, but that’s just me being a big old softy about dinosaurs.

Is my cynicism about Jurassic World: Falling Down misplaced here? I really, really do want to love this movie. For some bizarre reason, Jurassic Park is the only franchise we’ve got that centers around dinosaurs. When a new one comes out, I’m always first in line for tickets. What do you guys think?

  1. Not to be confused with Chris Sprat, who is a fish.
  2. Pratt seems to be channeling Tom Cruise in his running really fast from things.
  • Something

    Shooting a JURASSIC movie in 2.39:1 was a mistake

    • jeves23

      I agree. I think 2.39:1 could have worked if you had someone like Gareth Edwards directing – he shot GODZILLA in 2.39:1 and it has a great sense of scale.
      Here everything just feels flat and small.

  • Butts Carlton

    As the one person on this site who didn’t hate JURASSIC WORLD, I’ll say JURASSIC WORLD: MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE somehow looks worse. Trevorrow at least seemed to have something on his mind with JW, as misguided as that might been. Bayona seems to be making some bullshit with Dinosaurs.

    I have a feeling this might end up being a BvS and JUSTICE LEAGUE situation where both kinda stink, but one was a more interesting failure while the other was a generic nothingburger that is less toxic.

    • jeves23

      I also didn’t hate JURASSIC WORLD – it’s nowhere near as interesting as it thinks it is, and is easily the worst sequel (so far), but I thought it was fine.

  • I actually think the tone feels a bit better controlled than the first, this iteration would be better off just bailing on any illusions of mystery or sense or quality and abandoning itself to arch camp – it can do it by framing the whole film with nonstop Goldblum voiceovers and clips of old jukeboxes and dumbass monster mashes.

  • jeves23

    Based on the tidbits in this article I feel safe in assuming that a) the scene that caps the trailer is the BIG action scene of the film, and b) afterwards they probably end up dealing with dinosaurs in the mainland in some capacity.

    Will it be any good? Hard to say from this not-too-good trailer, but I have hope that it will at least be enjoyable.

  • Jason Lasica

    Seems kind of strange to put all your spared-no-expense eggs in one basket without taking a moment to guess if that basket had a volcano just underneath it. I guess I’ve been waiting for that DANTE’S PEAK reboot buuuut… [drawn out sigh]

  • Plus, the whole volcano idea is dumb. A worthless ticking clock bit of hackery. It’s so disappointing.

    I mean, I ask you, is it too much to ask that we get a simple dinosaur movie that features feathered dinosaur-human hybrids with machine guns fighting alongside human soldiers with cyborg implants, preferably against invading aliens (but I would accept killer robots) in a Dirty Dozen meets Kelly’s Heroes type scenario?

    I don’t think so.